Perspective

I haven't really done a post about Madeline's health since the original one after her birth. I never know what to say. I have two different versions of my response to 'how's she doing?' - my overly positive, 'she's great! No problems!' response that I spit out to friends and family all the time, or my realistic 'we don't know and it's scary' response that I try to stifle. 

I have a hard time admitting my doubts and fears about Maddie's health because I don't want anyone to ever look at her differently. I don't want her pigeon-holed into the special needs box if she doesn't need to be. 

While her development is coming along wonderfully, it is still so scary to think about the future. As of right now, we have eight doctors and therapists who are working with us on making sure she is doing what she is supposed to be doing. Eight. It can be very overwhelming at times to keep track of all the different doctors and concerns, but I know it could be so much worse. 

She has been evaluated and we've found that she is perfectly on track for her age level in language and cognitive skills. This. Is. Huge! She is slightly behind in her motor skills but that is being worked on as well. I will definitely take cognition over motor skills anyday...(sad that that is even being said). 

It's so easy to get hung up on the things that she can't do or isn't doing. It's the majority of what the doctors talk about at her appointments and no one likes to hear that their child is 'behind'. 

Amidst all this, I have to remind myself to stop and think about what the doctors told us when we were in the NICU just learning of Madeline's condition. They basically told us they did not know if she would ever be able to do much of anything. There was talk of hospice and life expectancy. While I hate thinking about that time, it does me good to remember it and look at how far we have come. 

Going from this:

 To this: 

 Madeline has completely blown those predictions out of the water. I have to look at all the wonderful positive things she is doing now that they said she never would. I need to stop thinking of her in relation to the 'typical' 6 month old and look at her in regards to where we've come from. It's all about perspective and we are so happy with our little miracle baby and will continue to fight for the best life possible for her. <3

5 Months!

Madeline is 5 months old! I can't even believe it! Our baby girl is getting so grown up I don't know how it's happened so fast! I feel like in just the past few weeks, she has really made huge leaps developmentally and physically. She's growing so much and getting so strong! Her little personality is definitely making itself known and she is quite the feisty little one! We seriously love her more every single day - it's impossible not to! :)

Stats: 15lbs (42nd percentile), 26 inches (73rd percentile) <-- whaat?! I did this measurement myself so it very well could be a bit off, but baby girl is growing!!

Clothes: She is officially in the 3-6 month sizes now. Depending on the brand, some are still a little big (Baby Gap) but most fit well now! 

Sleep: She is still usually sleeping all through the night. Occasionally she starts stirring around 3am and I give her a bottle - I think she's in a growth spurt right now so I am trying to feed her more during the day to get her to sleep longer at night. Hopefully that helps! She really is cutting back on her daytime naps now too - keeping mama busy! 

Milestones in the works: Currently still working on rolling over - she's so close! She can do the final three-quarters of it if we get her started. She is also now able to sit on her own! She props herself up with her hands and if there is something interesting in front of her, she'll stay that way for a while! She gets better every day. It's amazing to see how strong she is getting! 

Favorite Activities: 

     - Standing. Still. She just loves it so much! Even if she's fussy or upset about something, if you stand her up she instantly perks up! Her doctor is very impressed with her leg strength :) 

     - Coughing. Not when she does it, but if anyone else coughs, she thinks it's hilarious! I swallowed some water wrong one day and was coughing, and she just laughed and laughed like I've never seen her do before. Haha 

     - Looking at herself in the mirror. She will look directly at her reflection, smile, and then shyly turn her head and nuzzle into my shoulder. Repeat x100. It's probably the cutest thing I've ever seen <3

     - Hudson! More specifically, Hudson's tail. She has finally started to really notice him and if he's in the room, no one else stands a chance at keeping her attention. She loves him! She is mesmerized by his wagging tail and if they make eye contact, she just shrieks with joy! I think he's in for it in a few months when she is more mobile!

Least Favorite Activities:

     - She still has the stranger danger going on with people other than Kevin and I. It takes her a while, but if she gets to watch you and check you out, she'll eventually warm up. 

     - Being held like a baby. She has to be held upright now. She always wants to see what's going on and look around. Standing and sitting up are the only acceptable positions :) 

We are so lucky to have such a happy girl! 

Baby Must-Haves 0-4 Months

I thought I would do a post about all the baby gear we've loved so far...so maybe for next time we'll try to keep ourselves from going overboard again (yeah righttt). I know a lot of this stuff really just depends on your baby, but I think it is a good general guideline to follow :) So, without further ado...

Baby/Registry Must Haves:

Nursery Works Sleepytime Rocker --I am obsessed with this rocker! Not only is it one of the most comfy and stylish ones I have seen, it also is very affordable too! I really hate the old lady look of the cheaper gliders out there do I have been really happy with this one. 

Babyletto Hudson Crib -- Obviously any crib will pretty much be the same...but I am very partial to this one! I love the modern look of it and it's also a little shorter than some so that's good for me. :) It converts as baby grows into a toddler and then full size bed. Quite reasonably priced also.
Motorola Video Baby Monitor--This one is pretty awesome! It seems like everyone complains about their baby monitors but we've really liked this one. The picture is so clear even in the dark. You can talk to your baby through it, which is handy, and it also shows you the temperature in the room.
Ikea Hemnes 8-Drawer Dresser -- We use this for both a dresser and a changing table...we just attached a changing pad to the top. It's big enough to still have space on the top for some things, and there is TONS of drawer space. Definitely essential when you can't stop yourself from buying way too much cute baby clothes ;)

Boon Lawn Drying Rack-- So handy with all those million bottle parts and pacifiers! I swear, I spend half my day washing bottles so this little drying rack gets plenty of use! Plus, it's freaking adorable! :)
Dr. Brown's Wide Neck Bottles --These are by far the best bottles we have tried! They have a unique vent system which prevents bubbles and we definitely noticed a difference in how gassy Maddie was after eating. They do have more parts which means more work with cleaning them, but I think they are worth it for sure! Don't bother with the 4oz ones either...just get the 8oz ones and you'll be able to use them for a long time!
Bumkins Prefold Diaper-- We use these for everything! Burp rags, bibs and any other mess that needs cleaning. Super absorbent and soft. We use these way more than any other more expensive bibs. 
Boppy -- Get one. Just do it. I can't even tell you how much we use this; it's absolutely mandatory. And of course get a cute cover or two :)
Munchkin Formula Dispenser-- For formula feeding moms, this thing is great! It's perfect for outings with your little one and small enough to not take up much room in the diaper bag. It comes with two parts - a single serving container and a four serving container. Very convenient. 

Baby Jogger City Mini GT Stroller --LOVE this stroller! The ride is so smooth that you can steer with just one hand. It is a dream to fold and unfold and it's lightweight enough to be able to easily take in and out of the car. Plus, there a lot of accessories that go with this stroller as well, (hello cup holder!) as well as car seat adapters for every major brand. Love love love!
Fisher-Price Cradle 'N Swing -- Kevin and I like to call this the 'Magic Poop Machine' haha. About nine times out of ten when we put Maddie in this, within 10 minutes, she poops. It's awesome. lol Definitely not it's intended use, but I'll take it! This came in very handy when Maddie was in that fussy phase around 6 weeks old. It helped to put her back to sleep in the middle of the night. It is big though and takes up a good amount of space. 
Lillebaby Complete Baby Carrier -- This was the baby carrier we decided on after hearing some really good reviews. I've really liked it so far! It's so easy to use and I really liked that you can use it on a baby as small as 7lbs. A lot of carriers like this cannot hold a baby that small without having to purchase an extra insert, and since Maddie was a little teeny thing for a while, this was just extra easy. I really prefer this type of carrier to the Moby style ones because it just feels more secure to me...but it's all about your preferences. 
Maxi Cosi Mico Carseat -- I researched a lot about carseats before choosing one and this brand came out on top for me. The reasons being that these carseats have significantly less toxic chemicals on their seats and harnesses, and they are also very lightweight and cool (temperature-wise). I also really like the look of them and they come in many different colors. 
4Moms MamaRoo -- We got this as a gift and it is awesome!! It works as a bouncer/swing combo which doesn't require you to be there bouncing it. You can also plug in your phone and play music...it's very cool.
Fisher Price Rock N Play Sleeper  -- I cannot even tell you how much of a lifesaver this was for us! Madeline slept and napped in this for the first 3 months and it was wonderful! I just put it right next to the bed and it made middle of the night feedings a little less miserable. Plus, it's super lightweight and is so easy to travel with/move around the house. 
Petunia Picklebottom City Carryall Diaper Bag -- OBSESSED with these diaper bags! Besides having a ridiculously adorable name, these bags are very functional. They have tons of room/pockets for all of your stuff, and a changing pad that folds out -- so cool! Plus, there are a billion different colors and patterns to choose from!

 

Aden + Anais Muslin Swaddle Blankets -- First off, yes, they are expensive for blankets. You can definitely find similar ones for half the price...but are they just as good? NO WAY. These little blankets are amazing for swaddling! They are plenty large so they will grow with your baby and they have just the perfect amount of stretch to get that tight burrito wrap. I really can't find anything close to as good as these. They are also very lightweight so baby isn't getting overheated when swaddled. 
Nosefrida Snotsucker -- The name always makes me laugh haha. But in all seriousness, this thing rocks. Those little bulb suckers they give you at the hospital are awful at getting anything out! Maddie has a pretty tiny nose so this little thing has been awesome! And it is definitely not as gross to use as it sounds!
The Baby Book-- ESSENTIAL FOR ALL NEW MOMS! Seriously...there were so many times that I was concerned about something but couldn't decide whether to call the nurse line or not. Out comes this baby and all is well. It has so much important information...basically an encyclopedia of babies. Great buy!
Halo SleepSack Swaddle Blanket-- Another lifesaver! Around 4 months, Maddie decided she was too big to be fully swaddled anymore. However, she isn't quite ready to have both her arms out at night (they go flailing and wake her up haha). This is awesome because you can swaddle both arms or just one or none at all! And she can have the freedom to stretch her legs out. This baby got us sleeping 9 straight hours a night so needless to say, it's worth buying!
Triple Paste-- Maddie got a pretty bad diaper rash when she was just a few weeks old and NOTHING else worked for us! We tried lots of other creams, but then within one day of using this stuff, it was already noticeably better. It is a bit more pricey, but a little goes a long way and it really works! 
BabyGanics Hand Sanitizer  -- We have at least three bottles of this around the house at all times. It's gentle on your skin, smells great, and is awesome for visitors wanting to hold a new baby (or after diaper changes). :)  
Fisher-Price Musical Gym  -- Maddie loves this thing! Since the first day we laid her on this, she was just mesmerized! Even to this day, she will happily entertain herself under here for hours if we let her. We hang toys from the links and she loves the mobile that spins, lights up and plays music. This has been a huge help when I need to make dinner and she won't nap :) 
Jacques the Peacock -- This is BY FAR Maddie's favorite toy! She just lights up the second she sees it. It has so many fun things to look at and touch on both sides. We've been playing with this toy for about 6 weeks now and she still loves it just as much as the first day.
Aveeno Baby Wash & Shampoo -- With so many different brands of baby wash out there, it was pretty overwhelming to find one I thought would be best. I have pretty sensitive skin and Aveeno has always done well by me so I leaned towards this one. It is very sensitive, doesn't have a strong smell, and doesn't have tons of weird chemicals. We also use their baby lotion and really like it! 

So there you have it...all our favorite baby stuff thus far on our journey of parenthood! We're definitely going to need a bigger house at this rate ;) 

4 Months!

Our little girl is now 4 months old! I can't believe how much she's grown in the past few weeks! She's just changing so much, I love it! Her little personality is coming out more and more all the time - she's definitely got some sass! She's always smiling :) 

Stats: 13lbs 9oz. (37th percentile), 24.25 inches (50th percentile) -- average height! Pretty crazy for our family! Haha 

Clothes: She is still mostly wearing 0-3 months size but is starting to wear some 3-6 months now too. She's getting a bit long for some of her 0-3 footy pjs :) 

Sleep: She is now consistently sleeping all through the night!! Usually between 7-9 hours straight and I could not be happier about it! It just makes life so much better when you're well rested! 

Milestones in the works: Currently working on rolling over and prop sitting. Both are getting closer and closer everyday. She's definitely getting stronger. 

Favorite Activities: 

     - Standing. She loves to stand up and the second you hold her up, she gets the biggest grin on her face! She's ready to walk already and you can tell she just wants to go! Should be lots of fun in the next few months!

     - Talking. She just babbles and screeches and giggles all the time now! I swear she's said 'hi' :) 

     - Tummy time. Now that she can really push up on her hands, she seems to really like it. As long as she has toys or something to look at, she'll stay there for up to 10 minutes at a time. 

     - Toys. She's finally really starting to enjoy playing with her toys! She can bat at them and grab them in her hands too. 

Least Favorite Activities:

     - Being held by anyone other than mommy and daddy. She's developed a case of 'stranger danger' recently! That little bottom lip starts poking out and the tears begin to flow. It's pretty cute and sad at the same time haha. 

     - Being constricted. She is constantly wriggling around and hates when you try to hold her arms or legs still! 

She is such a happy and easy-going girl, she really doesn't get upset very often at all! We are so lucky :). 

Why Did No One Tell Me..?!

I have been dreaming about being pregnant since I was about 17...I have always been fascinated with the whole thing and enjoyed reading/researching everything baby related. So, when I got pregnant last year, I really thought I had a good grasp on how it would all go down. I knew about all the possible symptoms, and had read about eight billion birth stories. I knew it all....until I realized I knew nothing. There were many times during those 10 months where I yelled out, 'why did no one tell me about this?!' So on that note, I figured I would put some of that stuff out there...the stuff no one tells you about having a baby that I wish I had known!

Pregnancy

- for those who drew the 'morning sickness' straw, I am so sorry but it is not morning, it is 24 hours a day. And it is nothing like any nausea you've ever had before...it's not like the flu. It's constant and horrible. All those 'remedies' you hear about don't really make much of a difference. It's just something you have to survive. 

- all those grand plans of maintaining your work out routine throughout the pregnancy are a load of crap. You will be exhausted! A few walks a week is about as far as it'll go unless you're some kind of freak and in that case, you can just go shove it. ;) 

- that 'cute pregnant phase' only really lasts about 2-3 weeks. You pass through it very quickly and arrive at whale status all too soon. 

- EVERYONE will stare at you. All the time. You may think it won't bother you, but trust me, when you're already feeling like a gross slob and then every person that you pass stares you down like you have a third leg, you'll get annoyed. I think this is where the bitchy pregnant lady rep comes from. Which leads me to...

- men will be afraid of you. I found that no man would even make eye contact with me...like they thought I would rip their head off if I caught them looking at me...which might not have been too far off. ;) 

- don't make any plans after 34 weeks. You may think you'll be fine even up until a week or so before, but it will all of a sudden hit you like a train and suddenly, you can barely function. So make sure to get anything done before you hit that point. 

Labor & Delivery

- don't plan on things going according to plan. There are so many variables and every labor can be so different. Just stay flexible. 

- you won't use 80% of the things you pack in your hospital bag. Don't overpack...just the basics. You will spend most of the time not giving two shits about what you look like so you don't need to bring cute stuff. 

- you won't necessarily have lots of pre-labor time. My labor progressed so fast at the beginning-  0-6cm in one hour. So be prepared for a quick trip to the hospital. 

- you will see your doctor for a total of 4 minutes at the hospital. It's all about the nurses so make sure you like yours. You can always request a different one and don't be afraid to - it can make all the difference. 

- if you are laboring through the night, just know that the anesthesiologist will be  on call and will need to wake up before coming to help you. This can take up to half an hour so don't wait until you think you might die if you have another contraction...ask for that wake up call! 

- if your hospital room has a tub or shower, USE IT! The hot water really feels great during labor and can help when you feel like you can't take any more. 

- the ever-dreaded question: will I poop when pushing?? Yes. You will. No one will even bat an eye at that point so just don't even worry about it. 

- labor and delivery is gross. There will be more bodily fluids gushing out of you than you ever thought possible. Just expect it to be extremely messy (another reason not to wear anything nice). 

- you may be pushing for a loooong time! It's not necessarily like on tv - two pushes and she's out! For some people, yes, but others have to push for hours. 

- as horrible as it is, you really do forget about the pain quickly and would do it all over again in a heartbeat. 

Post-Partum

- the squishy-ness of your stomach in the days following delivery is shocking. It won't go away instantly. And that hideous linea nigra...that sticks around for wayy too long. 

- breastfeeding is stressful. Read up on it beforehand - it's not as simple as it seems. 

- it's okay to hold your baby all night long and never put her down. You've earned it :) 

- sleep as much as you can! It's hard when you're so excited and likely will have visitors, but really try to sleep as much as you can - your body's just been through a really big ordeal. 

- hot flashes. No one told me about this! After the baby is born, you will get these insane hot flashes especially at night and when the baby cries. They last for a few weeks. 

At Home

- LET PEOPLE HELP YOU. I have a hard time with this, but seriously, let others bring you food, clean your house, take care of the dog etc. Coming home is stressful and every bit of help is awesome! 

- soak up this time of prime tv/Netflix watching while the babe is sleeping 20 hours a day. Pretty soon, you will actually have to entertain your baby and watching tv becomes much more difficult. 

- just do whatever gets you by. Forget all the 'advice' from others and just do whatever you can to survive the first few weeks/months. If you need to co-sleep, supplement with formula, or whatever you swore you wouldn't do, just DO IT! No one will judge. 

- get some pictures with YOU in them! I know you'll feel fat, gross and completely unattractive, but these pictures are ones you'll look back on and will want to have! And make sure to get a few without your boobs out so you can actually show people ;) 

- the first time you try to work out after having the baby, you will probably wet your pants. 

- just remember that this won't last. Whatever phase they are in right now will be over by next week and you'll be on to the next thing. So when you think you can't take it anymore, just keep in mind, it'll be different in a few days. After 6 weeks, it really gets better and better. 

And there you have it! All the things I wish someone had told me when I was pregnant! Hope this was helpful :) 

3 Months

I am a blogger failure. Sorry guys, I've just been lazy. I tend to overthink these posts about how I want them to be and then I get overwhelmed and just never do them. So I'm just throwing that out the window and will ramble to my heart's content instead ;)

Maddie is now three months old! So crazy! She is soo much fun right now, I swear everyday I enjoy her even more! She is such a happy baby and now that we're passed that whole cry-for-no-reason phase, she rarely has bad days anymore. I feel much more confident in my own mommy skills now which makes everything better! :)

Stats: 12lbs 1oz (30th percentile), 23.5in (37th percentile). Blue eyes - starting to get a bit lighter and so pretty! Still got that RED hair too! :) 

Clothes: She started fitting into 0-3mos around 2 months so we're still in those - probably for at least another month.

Sleep: She has regressed slightly and is waking up for a middle of the night feeding again. I think it's another growth spurt to blame. She usually sleeps 10:30-2:30, eats, and then sleeps 3-6:30, eats again, and then sleeps 7-9ish. So overall it's not too bad since she's still in my room with me. It makes feedings pretty easy. 

Favorite Activities: 

     - LAUGHING! It is officially the greatest sound I have ever heard! 

      - Being sung to - she just lights up and we get these huge goofy smiles!

      - Sitting up. She has let us know that she is no longer a baby and wants to be held upright so she can look around. 

      - Kicking. When she gets going it's pretty hilarious to see. She looks like she's trying to ride an invisible bike :) 

      - Talking. She has gotten soo vocal in the last week or so! She just loves to chat with someone and will babble on and on - you can tell she is just so pleased with herself. So cute! 

Least Favorite Activities:

     - Riding in the car without someone in the backseat with her. We've had a couple traumatic (mostly for me) experiences when it's just the two of us :/

      - Being left alone for more than 5 seconds. Lately, I have to be at her side nonstop. She will barely let me put her down for naps...it's been a bit difficult. 

      - Waking up. We always laugh at how hard it is for her to wake up - it's a funny process to watch her fight it...until she starts screaming lol 

She is such a happy girl and we are loving this time with her! It's so fun to watch her grow and change so much!

Unexpected Challenges

So many of you know we had some health issues with Madeline when she was first born. I wanted to elaborate on that and get out the whole story. 

The day after Maddie was born, June 24th, started out as the best day! We were over the moon to have our little babe and didn't even mind the zero hours of sleep we got the two nights before! We had a fun day of showing her off to her grandparents and just staring at her perfect little face - she was so beautiful! That evening, the nurse noticed her temperature was a bit low so we wrapped her in extra blankets and did more skin to skin. After a while she would get really warm and clammy so I would unwrap her a bit...but then her temp dropped again. This cycle repeated a few times and so the nurse put her on the heating table and took some blood to see of there was an infection. Throughout all this, no one was overly concerned. 

After a while they found she did have a bit of an infection so they started her on antibiotics. They decided to take her to the nursery for this. While the nurse was sitting with her in the nursery, she noticed that she was having some apnea episodes where she wouldn't breathe for about 20 seconds and that's when her temp got all weird. They came back to our room with a doctor and informed us that our one-day-old daughter was having seizures and would need to be transferred to the local Children's Hospital. They hurried to discharge me so we could go with her and we showed up at the NICU around 1am. 

They had Maddie hooked up to an EEG to monitor the seizure activity. She was seizing almost nonstop. Apparently in newborns, seizures are hard to detect just by looking at the baby. They put her on IV meds to try to stop the seizures and we went home for a few hours since we hadn't slept in three days. That's got to be one of the worst feelings in the world: going home without your baby. We were like zombies. 

It took them a whole day and three medications to get the seizures to stop. We were told getting them to 'break' is the hardest part and that it's much harder for them to start up again. We can happily say thats the last seizure she's had. She was basically sedated for the next 3 days due to these meds. Since she had no seizure activity, they were able to start weaning her off the sedative. They wanted her completely off this med before getting an MRI so that took a few days. It was then a waiting game for another day and a half to get the results. 

On July 1st, they told us they had the results of Madeline's MRI and scheduled us an appt with our medical team to discuss them. This was the first red flag. They came in our room, closed the door and told us that the MRI showed that Madeline has severe/profound brain damage. My stomach hit the floor and my brain basically shut off. All I can really remember from that meeting is the look on our Neurologist's face as she spoke. It was a look of pure pity. Never in my life has anyone ever looked at me that way. That look will forever be engrained in my mind - I will never forget it. We pretty much crumbled after that and could not even really stay to hear the details. We basically ran home and fell apart. We did not know anything at that point as far as where we would go from there. 

The next day we were a bit more 'together' (barely) and both of our parents came to the hospital to be there with us. We had another meeting with our doctors to better understand the situation. At some point in the final two weeks of my pregnancy, Maddie suffered a loss of oxygen. It happened multiple times and this caused the damage. We have no way of knowing exactly how it happened but most likely she was on her umbilical cord and blocked the blood flow. There was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it - it was just a freak accident. 

Her official diagnoses is Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy (HIE). As far as how this will affect her, no one really knows. Newborn brain injuries are extremely hard to predict due to the brain's plasticity. Most babies with damage like her's require ventilators and feeding tubes - neither of which Madeline ever needed. So the doctors have been very positive. We will just have to wait and see how she progresses and develops to assess what areas will be affected. The MRI is just a picture and really does not tell you much of anything in regards to the outcome for babies with this injury. The doctor said he had been surprised many times by babies doing much better than expected. 

On July 4th we were discharged and we took our little girl home after a 10 day stay in the NICU. She is still on some medication for the seizures as a precaution but we are hoping to start weaning off of those in the next few months. Since coming home, Madeline has been an extremely healthy thriving baby! She is doing everything a typical baby would do with no issues in sight.  She is now holding her head up, tracking things with her eyes, kicking her legs, and eating like a champ! She has even started giving us some adorable smiles. :) 

We have been able to get started in the Early Start program through the state of California. We will have a developmental therapist come weekly to work with Maddie to make sure she is meeting all her milestones and get her extra help if any issues arise. I'm so happy we have this so we can tackle anything that comes up before it's a problem. 

We have been so thankful for the love we have felt from all of our family and friends. It has gotten us through a very tough time and we are forever grateful for such supportive people in our lives. We are taking a positive outlook on this whole diagnosis. We have heard so many stories of great outcomes and are hopeful. Regardless of how Maddie develops, we are so in love with this perfect little girl and could never imagine our lives without her. She is a miracle and has already shown us a strength we never thought existed. While this is definitely not the outcome we had planned for and expected, we know that we are blessed with this beautiful girl and will give her the best possible life we can.  I am so lucky to be her mom and I can't wait to share this life with her <3